THE OLD GUARD 2 (2025)

I have some questions for the makers of The Old Guard 2. Number one: How the f**k did Discord find Quynh? Seriously, that could have been interesting. Perhaps she had been looking all this time, hadn’t given up like some people (Andy I’m looking at you) and finally the right technology or invention revealed itself after centuries of study? Discord is kind of a hero here. But, where was the passion behind it? For all that time and study, the evil benefits are never revealed or transpire. If Discord was merely haunted by the thought of Quynh’s agony and saved a fellow immortal, again, she’s an f**k-ing hero, yet this duality for our villain is never mentioned. Two: How did Quynh avoid becoming an f**k-ing lunatic after continuously dying an agonizing death for over 500 years? To me, she looked no more pissed off than, well me, after I’ve had to wait an extra 10 minutes for, well anything. Or, why didn’t she come out with a greater understanding of life, a zen-like sage with the strongest most thoughtful and gracious mind, who crushes everyone on earth with her grounded and focused intellect and even more formidable healing powers? She had a quincentennial to do nothing but die over and over again. There was character there beyond someone who liked 21st century leather jackets. Three: Why is there no f**k-ing plot? Nothing happens, well except the immortals take a holiday and get suckered into a trap that we know is a trap and THEY know is a trap. Oh, and why do they hang out at a very awkward, unestablished, multi-level, uncovetable hideout? Four: Why the f**k are the two most interesting things that happened in the first Old Guard (Andy losing her immortality and Booker being banished) almost immediately undone? Which brings me to Five: Why invent a mythology that undoes immortality; only to include a line item that it can be transferred back? Who the f**k thought that was a good idea? Maybe for The Old Guard cartoon this could work, but here it just looks like you’re keeping Charlize Theron at the plastic surgeans. Six: How did you make a movie, a series, about immortality, mortality, that left me feeling nothing, relief, when one of my favourite actors (Matthias Schoenaerts) sacrifices, no alleviates himself from this second sequel?

WATCH OR NOT: NOT

Additional musings: For The Old Guard movie makers, whoever you are, life and death are the ultimate subjects. Please show it the respect it deserves. Despite this negative review, I will be watching. Mostly because I hope against hope that you will give Uma Thurman and Chiwetel Ejiofor some proper scenes.