What does it mean to declare that we didn’t enjoy director Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey? The man accomplished so many technical feats. It’s a visual triumph, though the palette is too grey and gloomy, but it’s grand and sweeping and looks true throughout, making the monsters that dip in and out quite frightening. So what’s our problem? To start, it collapses under the weight of its own pretentiousness. What, we feel, should have been a thrilling high seas adventure story with characters and dialogue that raises hairs, is instead a disjointed three-hour emotionally flat slog that feels more like a parade of the who’s who of Hollywood’s hottest instead of an exciting string of universally profound encounters that propel one’s soul towards personal growth. Save stars Matt Damon (Odysseus) and Anne Hathaway (Penelope), we find it hard to believe that these powerhouses were just dying to recite these dull-ass lines. Hathaway, in our estimation, is the only one connecting to the source material and leaning into the solemnity with drama instead of indifference. Damon, however, just looks tired. Now we know that’s part of the character, but in addition to enduring an endless journey, Odyssyus is pure longing, combined with exhaustion. Our guess? Damon was probably starving during the shoot, trying to keep that physique and the poor man couldn’t think about anything but the craft services table. So Odysseus is just kind of there within a narrative that relentlessly jumps in and out of timelines, and when it does settle from time to time, it feels akin to checking off a list of major plot points and mere mythological encounters rather than drops into representations of moral quandaries and challenges a man faces as he’s pushed to his physical limits. The obstacles aren’t given enough time to breathe let alone stir us with their transformative powers. And it makes it hard to care, especially about his crew, as we never really meet any of them. It’s a failure in basic storytelling. And while we’re at it, what’s with Nolan’s distracting sound design that leaves stretches of dialogue completely inaudible? Why are we straining to hear in the Cyclops cave? Why go to all this trouble Nolan and not let us sit back and take in the delicious spectacle of humans being eaten by your very cool looking Cyclops. And why not show us the sirens? We actually laughed at Damon’s emoting the embodiment of the sirens song. His writhing in agony while strapped to the ship’s mast looked pathetic and goofy instead of horrifying. Which brings us to our overall verdict. We didn’t feel anything, beyond being impressed, somewhat, with it’s red-carpet-ready cast and of course, its out-of-this-world production. Are we spoiled? We don’t think so. We were amazed by the scale and moviemakers are at the point where the effects have caught up to our eyes, which is such a treat. But looking epic isn’t the same as being epic. Now it may not have been Nolan’s hope to join the likes of Spartecus (1960), Braveheart (1995) and Gladiator (2000), but for the life of us we can’t see why not, and if he did, he forgot it’s also the poetic dialogue and heart pounding theme and iconic emotional moments that made them masterpieces, not just the effects and scale. Did he intend for the decades-long story to limp instead of march? Odysseus’ journey is a metaphor, with monsters and challenges representing pride, temptation and so on, and he’s rewarded with temperance and wisdom. In the end, it’s only Nolan who’s rewarded, with the pride of his accomplishment for sure, but we endured it hoping for something too. Our reward? It’s not bittersweet solace and a swell in our hearts as Odysseus returns home, but relief that the excruciatingly slow show is finally over.

WATCH OR NOT: NOT