It’s not a good sign when you’re watching a final girl doing her thing and you find yourself wishing someone would die. Couldn’t someone, anyone please do something of consequence in this supposed comedy horror? I mean, by the end I’d put in a lot of time watching Zazie Beetz escape a seemingly endless stream of impossible scenarios and comedy squandering, that I feel should have been rewarded with something, anything that would unsterilized this hyper-stylized, cool-girl romp through what could have been a new wave house of horrors story. Instead what we have is another lame comedy horror this year with a back story that centres around estranged sisters whose emotional boo boos and resentments stem from, get this, loving each other and trying to do right for one another. Kill me, seriously. I mean did I survive the 2021 female assassins cliché (e.g. Gunpowder Milkshake, Kate, The Protégé ) only to be rewarded with the 2026 women-misunderstanding-their-loving-their-sisters-too-hard trope? (See our review of Ready or Not 2: Here I Come.) And so the siblings in They Will Kill You with their un-dynamic interpersonal issues, haven’t seen or heard from one another in 10 years. Older sister and ex-con Asia (Beetz) tracks the younger to the mysterious Virgil, a majestic building within the city centre with a plan to find her, reconcile and save her from her mysterious employer. Patricia Arquette and Heather Graham greet her at the door and she’s ceremoniously locked in. So far so good and we have what looks to be the makings of a Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003)/The People Under The Stairs (1991) situation. Unfortunately unlike those films, the set-up isn’t mined for cleverness or laughs. For one, why is Graham even here? I kept hoping she would spring out with some sort of meta sight gag or undead eternal New Yorker send-up, but no, she’s relegated to just being there with a few visual quips. Arquette fairs only slightly better with a promising backstory and relationship, but it’s ultimately anticlimactic. Why? Well, to make way for more and more bloody gruesome fight sequences, which are impressive, particularly a fly-threw-the-air-with-a-flaming-axe spectacle by Beetz, but with uninspired motivations nudging us to care (amidst some delightful backdrops I’ll admit, thanks to the film’s astute attention to colour theory), I was left wanting. Beetz is giving it her all and the camera loves her, but why cast an actress here? If it all amounts to nothing more than scrappy fighting, why not have someone who can actually fight. And I know I sound like a broken record, but without the consequences for the horrific rams against her body that can also be mined for some needed and welcome dark comedy to carry us with her on this journey, what am I watching? Not once was I worried nor invested in anything beyond the tasteful tiles and wallcoverings. Now I love that Beetz is strong and immediately fights with unbridled viciousness and a few years back this was exactly what we wanted and needed from our comedy horrors. But these wonder women set-ups are beginning to look haggard and I fear it’s time for the final girl to finally die.

WATCH OR NOT: NOT